i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
