I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
