i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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