Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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