MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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