I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
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So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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