I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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