First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
