I'm gonna have a badass scar
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
