So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
