Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Enjoy the penises
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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