If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i out mim tonsoeep
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
