If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
