Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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