Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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