I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
