i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
