Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
