70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
