What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
