you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
