my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
