his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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