did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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