we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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