I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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