I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
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Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
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My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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