he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
