You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
