Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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