This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
