Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
