Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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