Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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