I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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