Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
