He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
