I want to walk on stilts...naked
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
