You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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