I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
