I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
