There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
