Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
