wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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