You can't motorboat a personality
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
