The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
