the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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