all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Randomize
