when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
