she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
