Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
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I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
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Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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