I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
