I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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