2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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