it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
