Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.