I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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