i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
