Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
