it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
